Dear Miss C,
I haven’t been married very long and I’m surprised about how much we fight. It didn’t seem like we fought this much when we were not married. When I talk to my other married friends, they seem to all be like, “Oh fighting is good for the marriage, it means you are communicating.” I think that’s a little weird, but I guess if we are going to fight, maybe I should ask for advice on how to do it the right way. I don’t really want to fight our way into a divorce.
—FightGirl
Hello FightGirl,
Your friends are right about one thing, there will be times when you have to disagree with our spouse. But it does not necessarily show you are communicating. So, here are some tips to dealing with conflicts in a way that will strengthen, not harm your marriage:
1. Embrace it! You will have differences of opinion. You will get on each other’s nerves. There may even be days when the sock on the floor leads you to believe your spouse left it there on purpose just to irritate you. These are conflicts and they just show us where we need to grow. Embrace it!
2. Don’t Attack! Good fighting sticks to the issue, not the personal attacks that come with name calling. It’s enough to deal with a problem without adding the new problems of hurt feelings.
3. Listen and Be Respectful. When people feel strongly about something, hear them out. Acknowledge their feelings. Never tell a person they “Shouldn’t” feel a certain way. You can share your own view after you understand theirs.
4. No Yelling! The louder someone yells, the less they are heard. Yelling triggers an emotional and defensive reaction that takes you away from the issue. Even if your spouse yells, there is no need to yell back. This way you can focus on the issue, not the noise.
5. Be Curious! Instead of getting defensive, ask for more information, details and examples. There is usually a reason for a person’s complaint… and if you are curious, you just might come to understand the other side.
6. Always & Never. Statements that use the words “always” and “never” almost always get you nowhere and never are true.
7. Find things to agree upon. There are usually points of a conflict that can also be points of agreement. Finding those common points (even if it’s just agreeing you have a problem) is important to finding a workable solution.
8. Find Options. The fighting will end when you start to cooperate. So working together to find suggestions shows partnership, and working through the options is a sign of respect.
9. Compromise. You knew this would be on the list. But seriously, when you give a little, you make room for your partner to give a little back. It’s the small compromises that leads to larger ones. But be careful, because making compromises isn’t about keeping score, its about finding a solution that works for both of you!
10. Finding Peace. There is value in the old adage, “Never go to bed angry.” I recently spoke with a man who had been married for 75 years. He told me they never went to bed angry. He said sometimes that meant neither of them went to bed, but sometimes they just realized the issue wasn’t actually important enough to lose sleep over. But either way, they talked and processed the conflict until they found peace in it. They have been married for 75 years, I’d say they are probably doing something right!
Blessings,
—Miss C
**Miss C is ready to take your questions! All information is confidential so send your questions to AskMeMissC@gmail.com, post Ask Me Miss C Facebook Page, or send an old fashioned letter to the West Bend News. All letters are answered in the order received.**
