Dear Miss C,
I recently was made aware that when my preteen goes to the other parent’s house for the weekend that he is subject to some things I don’t consider morally correct. Their mid teenage child is allowed to have their significant other share a bed. I already know that if I were to bring it up to them that I would get shut down instantly because, “It isn’t any of my business.” I’d like your thoughts on how to explain to a preteen why this is not okay… and maybe even see what other parents have to say.
Signed,
—SMH and terrified
Dear SMH and Terrified,
I shared this question with several parents with children of different ages and backgrounds and here are some of the reactions:
“Are you kidding me? Sharing a bed? No wonder our kids are so messed up! This is NOT okay and I cannot believe any good parent would allow this under their own roof!”
—From a Mom
“I don’t have a good relationship with my child’s dad either, every time I bring up something, he threatens me with more court (which is really stupid, by the way). Everyone’s advice to me is always to just talk to the dad, that it is my business what my child does there. But every conversation becomes a fight and we will never see eye to eye. The last issue, my child’s dad brought her to a big drinking party (where there were no other kids). Ugh! I tried to talk to him calmly about it, and he basically said what he does is his business, not mine and that no one got hurt. I decided at that time, the way I needed to deal with these issues is by providing a good role model for my child and lots of conversations with her as she is growing up. Even if she doesn’t take me seriously now, I have to believe that accumulating good examples and conversations will make a long term impact. Because if not, I am terrified too.”
—From a Mom
“It may not be any of your business what he allows to happen in his house with his other kids, but it IS your business what your child is exposed to. I don’t know what kind of court or custody arrangements you have, but you probably can’t do much on the dad’s end unless you think your son is in danger. You can be a good role model and hope all of your lessons win over the bad influences from the other parent.”
—From a Dad
And now from Miss C:
I am torn between which is the bigger issue to address. Is it that the other parent exposes your son to things that are morally and responsibility questionable? Or is the specific discussion with your son about what he is being exposed to? Obviously, if physical and legal safety is the issue, one should forget trying to talk to the other parent, and instead involve a lawyer. However, the moral safety, which in my opinion is equally important but perhaps more challenging to build, the best advice I can give you is to keep the dialog open with your son. Don’t be afraid or uncomfortable sharing your views, expectations, and the harsh realities of high risk choices. If you set aside time to talk about all of those sensitive topics without shame, and you provide good examples for him which communicates your morals and values, then you are doing the good parent job. This will build a trust that will carry your relationship through all of the storms and hormones to come. And remember, behind the attitude and moodiness of a typical preteen, he will remember the lessons you taught him.
Blessings,
—Miss C
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